I had the urge to write. I’m avoiding social media because of ridiculous articles and opinions, so I knew I had to use my blog to vent. I need to say it to someone because I’ve been quiet. I don’t want attention, that’s not what this is for. I don’t talk about my feelings so let me have thissss. We are writing history with COVID-19. I’m quite tired of hearing and reading about it, which I’m sure you agree, but make an exception for five minutes.
I’m an essential worker. I may have a different experience than someone who is working from home, or laid off, or working in a different essential location. I’m tired. Maybe not physically tired (yet), but emotionally and mentally – so tired. As I’m sure we all are. I will never be able to truly thank frontline workers, first responders, medical employees of all kinds, police officers and those who keep the barracks running, grocery store workers, truck drivers and terminal workers, Amazon workers, mailmen, etc. You are keeping this world turning right now.
This past week on social media, I shared how I’m struggling with missing my loved ones. I had so many friends and family reach out to me saying that they too are starting to really hurt from not hugging the people they love. For me, it started when someone very close to me was infected by the virus. Sure, she’ll be ok, but it was really hard to be away from the family even more than before. It was hard to just emotionally support through technology, and not just hug someone and say “it’ll be ok”. My emotions were so out of whack, that I started my virtual spin class yesterday and the instructor (a dear friend of mine) just brought me to tears talking about how much the studio is missed. Two weeks ago I really missed going to a restaurant, or going out with friends. I’m so far passed that now.
People keep saying, “it’s ok to not be ok”. I’m glad that message is being said, because some days I’m not. My husband and I are about to move into our first home together, but no one can be with us to share the day. My mom-friends’ children are growing, but I can’t be there to see it. My best friend lost her father, but I can’t hug her or lay him to rest. My in-laws live by themselves, but I can’t go visit and check on them. Our grandparents are at risk if they leave the house, but there’s nothing I can do to protect them. Its been three months since I’ve hugged my parents and I’m struggling. I’m not ok today.
Being an essential worker has actually been ok for me. I’m beyond grateful to have a job. I enjoy my job and love taking care of my residents. My company has handled the schedule and pay to the best of their ability. I enjoyed having to get off the couch and go to work. Sure, sometimes I would have moments where I get a little nervous being more exposed to catching the virus but, overall I was ok. We have all the necessary PPE so I feel safe. Plus – being a supervisor means I need to stay strong for others. This week my 15-hour shifts turned to 24-hour shifts. It’s temporary but, that made my already emotionally-sucky week kind of more sucky. I cried when I got into bed last night, because I’m TIRED of this new world we’re living in.
I understand I’m lucky compared to so many others during this pandemic. I promise I’m not taking away from that. I relate to “we are all in the same storm, but not on the same boat”. Be kind to others. I know people losing businesses or unemployed for the foreseeable future. I know so many who have been ill or lost loved ones to the virus. Some who have postponed their wedding, or baby showers, or other life celebrations. My residents who are seniors in high school are experiencing grief losing some of life’s best moments. I’m lucky, I know. But that doesn’t mean I’m doing just fine. If this is me complaining then wHaTeVeR. At least I’m not complaining about the government on social media! (and I won’t – ever).
I’m amazed at how well most of us are handling quarantine though. I mean that. People are picking up hobbies. Homes are cleaner than ever (my closets are all purged!). Parents are being SO creative with their children. Teachers – holy crap I think the world has a whole new admiration for you guys. Some people are losing weight and exercising. TikTok has taken over the world and has certainly entertained me. Some people are finally just spending quality time with their spouses. (I thoroughly am enjoying all this time with my Hubs). Doggos and all pets are getting 24/7 love from their humans. Humanity has shown itself more than ever. We are definitely learning how to live this new life. There was a post going around that was saying “I hope we don’t go back to normal, I hope we learn from this and create a new normal” so on and so forth, and it’s so true.
As I told my friend this morning when she texted me that she is not ok, I FEEL YOU. I’m emotionally supporting you from afar. I’m crying with you. I’m hoping there is a light at the end of the tunnel soon. I’m not ok today, but — I am ok. Writing this already makes me feel lighter. If anything, it will show someone that you’re not alone in feeling the way you’re feeling. I miss you all so so much. I’m sending hugs to all of you, and I welcome yours back.
This too shall pass.