Being Vulnerable.

I need to vent. To be open & vulnerable. Because I never do that – and I need to get it all out.  I haven’t posted in two months, since the post on my melanoma adventure. I’ve been very busy with life. Update – it was removed & everything was fine, but I still think about it every day. Not just because of the huge scar it left…

I don’t want to sit here and whine about a crappy diagnosis because people have way way worse issues. But I don’t ever vocalize how much this has impacted me. If you read my other post, I talked about people’s ignorance of Melanoma. This has been my biggest pet peeve lately. People generically ask, “how is everything going?” – but of course they don’t actually want to know details. So, I’ll reply with “it’s all good!”

It blows my mind when I actually open up and talk about this with people & they just give me the “it’s just skin cancer, SHUT UP” look or minimal response. They make me feel like I’m complaining about something so small. So hey – asshole- this is not just skin cancer. This is life changing shit, and I’m tired of feeling like I can’t express my fear of it. It makes me so angry, I can’t even put it into words. Yes. I’m aware it’s not brain cancer or lung cancer. But guess what, if Melanoma isn’t caught quick enough, it can spread to those places. I have cancer in my damn body, I’m scared whether you think I should be or not.

I got my first three-month body scan last week. Result – another biopsy on my right thigh. My heart dropped. Fear came rushing back. So many questions. How long has that been there? Could it be worse than last time? Did we miss it? Maybe it’s nothing. But maybe I have to go through this all over again. At this time I don’t have answers yet…but Jesus Christ please give me a break.

It’s hitting me like a train that I really will deal with this the rest of my life. I know the doctor said it the first time but…this confirms it. The dermatologist is telling me no more gel manicures because they get cured with UV lights (crying), and I have to go to an eye doctor to check for the cancer in my eye. The nurse practitioner even called me to ask me if I have children, when I said no, she told me to make sure I tell them about this diagnosis when they’re old enough (seriously though?). She also reminded me not to leave the house without SPF. I’m not ready for my life to change like this, I’m just not. I want to ignore it and I want it to go away.

PS: I need to tell my friends that I won’t be mad at you if you go tanning. I get it, people do it. I’m jealous. Not mad. I don’t want you putting yourself at risk, but I understand. I’m simply jealous that I will be forever pale. I’ll learn to be confident about it one day.

I’m sorry if you’re rolling your eyes while reading this. I’m not asking you to feel bad for me, honest. I’m strong and can handle this with my support system by my side. But I needed to be vulnerable for once. To make you realize – maybe you’re that insensitive person. To remind you of the danger of it. And to just say hey, I’m still scared.

One Reply to “Being Vulnerable.”

  1. Last time I checked skin cancer is still cancer…and you have every right to feel scared. But PLEASE…do not hold those feelings in! You have so many family and friends to listen (um hello). I know it’s not an easy thing to talk about and people tend to shy away from th subject, but make them listen. I love you ❤️
    P.S. Praying for good results from the other biopsy. Please let me know when you get them.

    Like

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